Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”