Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
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if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.