Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“no gods no masters” = leo
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Meanwhile in Portland…
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕