Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.