Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien