Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
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me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter