Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
You Might Also Like
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Funny because it’s true. 🤣