Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
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ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I’d love this…lol
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.