The Sun’s probably Asian.
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*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I hope Alan is OK
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman