@SteveAmiri: July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.
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@murrman5: *doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum* how do you feel? "with my hands" let's give it a minute
@Brentweets: Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn't noticed... Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
@WilliamRodgers: Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don't have Cancer! Me: So it's working...