@SteveAmiri: July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.
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@DanMentos: judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
@sara_ashlynn: I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles. Fly is dead.
@LittleMissZesty: Me: I'm not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls* Co-worker:
@sixthformpoet: The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.