@SteveAmiri: July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.
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@hazelmotes1: Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
@LaziestCanine: [uses the restroom] Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down Me: okay Me: [to toilet seat] you're worthless and nobody likes you
@Jesssicle: People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
@KiayaFaye: I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it's just awkward