date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
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If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Me as a therapist: omg same
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?