“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
True.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.