Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.