Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
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H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.