[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
You Might Also Like
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.