[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
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I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.