Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.