[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.