Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
People buying plungers never look happy.