*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
One of the best
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system