Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
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I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.