I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
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I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*offers Batman cough drops*
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
i’m laughing very hard in real life
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.