[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?