got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
#ProTip
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*