@Drunkiester: Jupit. Jupiter. Jupitest.
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@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently? ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
@macchiatonumb: *Me getting pulled over* Me:license and registration please? Guy police officer :I pulled u over.. Me:do u really want to argue with me?
@Stellacopter: When I'm out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying "Don't make eye contact with daddy."