It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.