Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
How long do you have to wait between naps?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada