Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
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[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha