Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
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Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you