Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Oops I deleted….
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Breaking news:
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.