@kyle_thatisall: Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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@medievalfun: Jesus:"table for 26 please" Waiter: "but there are 13 of you" J: "yes but we're all going to sit on the same side"
@LindaInDisguise: *calls male escort service* Whispers "How much for... you know... someone to go to Red Lobster with me."
@TommyKarate: Local video store is offering a chance to win free iPads, so naturally, I reported them as spam.