Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
⛄️
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.