boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
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My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Science memes
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!