[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Otters see a butterfly.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35