[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
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The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
“you recording!?”
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??