There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
You Might Also Like
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Basketball
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install