My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.