Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now