@SardonicTart: Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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@_RyanBryce: Asked the burd in Krispy kremes for 5 Nutella donuts and she says "have you got any nut allergies" aye pal I'm planning suicide by donut
@DoucheMcBaggus: When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I'm totally nailing his mom.
@ArfMeasures: DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up ME: uh ok. Should I do it too? DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
@JessicaVarsity: I've watched three episodes of "I Shouldn't Be Alive" tonight, adding "outdoor enthusiast and survival expert" to my online dating profile.