My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
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2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Owl Sanctuary
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark