[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
You Might Also Like
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The government even made aliens boring
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*