Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”