Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
She puts the hot in psychotic
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up