just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
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[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.