Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.