Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
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Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.