9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.