Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician