Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶