@mzeld: Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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@KenJennings: Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.
@DanMentos: *sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she’s holding a clipboard* god dammit
@Ngamsi_: Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
@Petote: Get in the van! me?...*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?! *jogs after van*