Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Good morning, Twitter 😊