Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Important
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky