Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out