@bourgeoisalien: Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
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@JermHimselfish: The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren't fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
@HausOfAustin: Apple CEO announces he's gay. Samsung CEO announces he's more gay and water resistant.
@RobDenBleyker: It's always funny when the flight attendant says "we know you have a choice of airlines" as if free will exists.