@bourgeoisalien: Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
@thenoahkinsey: I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me. Even if one said, "I want to do you." I'd respond, "What do you mean? Like an impression?"