@bourgeoisalien: Just accidentally messaged my husband "love you sexy beats" instead of "sexy beast" and now he thinks he’s some sort of DJ.
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@Bagyants: "What if we make headphones that stay in people's ears?" "Good idea Bob!" [aside] "Kill him and his whole family." -Apple meeting
@kelkulus: My iPhone corrects "WHOA" to "WHOSE", which just made my text response to "I JUST HAD A BABY!!!" a little awkward.
@PeachesMcPeach: I'm at my sexiest when I'm at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.
@rickolantern: My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn. Worst. Childproofer. Ever.