why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
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If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
A ghost story
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂