honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
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dude it’s called proctologist
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.